The ultimate ES wedding guide

And we don’t mean eight people stoically socially distancing as they besmirch their expensive outfits with PPE-grade masks: we mean big, boozy, raucous affairs, the kind that begin with grandma being flung into the air by the best man and end with your ex-ex colleague falling asleep in someone’s car boot.

In fact, 2022 is set to be the biggest year for the wedding industry since 1984, with couples finally pressing play on their pandemic-paused nuptials. So how to handle the summer of love? By following the ES etiquette guide, of course…

NAVIGATE THE NINE CIRCLES OF STAG AND HEN DO HELL

1. The ‘we’re going abroad’ email

Say goodbye to at least half of your savings, to be collected by…

2. The aggressive best man or maid of honour

‘Hi London wanker, I know you’re busier than the rest of us being a London wanker, but if you could transfer me the money for the private room in a chain restaurant you ordinarily wouldn’t even throw up in, that’d be great. PS have added you to…’

3. The WhatsApp group

Featuring hilarious in-jokes, overfamiliar pisstaking, enforced bonhomie and…

4. The school friend no one knows

Who — warning — will not be schooled in the Londoner art of drinking at least three nights a week, will therefore probably wee in the middle of a road, and will lobby loudly for…

5. The clichés

Strip clubs. Handcuffs. Matching T-shirts. The bride/groom in a superhero costume. Those mobile bars where you all have to pedal while drinking. And of course…

6. The hashtag

Just don’t. No good whatsoever can come of this, only a lifetime’s supply of emoji-only comments from…

7. The sober breakfastee

You wake up early. You can’t face any more laughter/banter, so you rush to beat the hotel breakfast rush, only to find the dining room bare apart from the sole stag/hen who doesn’t drink, has thus been starved of conversation, and is now eyeing you hopefully. Still, better than being with…

8. The good Dr Jekyll

Who is already visibly terrified about their alter ego from last night’s antics ever being mentioned again. By the time of the big day itself when you next see them, accompanied by a life partner and children, their eyes look like the eyes of a civilian who committed a murder and knows that one offhand remark could raze their perfect, domesticated existence to the ground in an instant. Fortunately for them, you will be steering clear of any…

9. Follow-up friendships

Which will never, ever, ever happen, for reasons that should be obvious.

HAMISH MACBAIN

DITCH THE GIFT LIST

Browsing the gift registry? Snooze. Outdo the other guests with these swanky swaps, says Joanna Taylor

DITCH: THE PHOTO FRAME

BUY: A POLAROID CAMERA

To ensure their honeymoon snaps are less cringe than the wedding photos.

Polaroid The 600 Square Starter Set, £169.99

DITCH: THE WINE GLASSES

BUY: AN ENGLISH WINE TASTING

Jazz up the reality of marriage once they arrive back from cloud nine.

Wiston Estate Tour and Tasting, from £25

DITCH: THE TOASTER

BUY: A PIZZA OVEN

Who needs toast when one can have melted cheese? In two minutes!

Sage The Smart Oven Pizzaiolo, £529.95

DITCH: THE SILVERWARE

BUY: A SERVING TRAY

Because breakfast in bed will dissolve any argument. Probably.

Fornasetti Regalo No171 Round Iron Tray, £650

PACK TO PERFECTION

When it comes to packing your survival clutch, prioritise from previous experience and evaluate items depending on bag size (note: hefty ones are unsightly at weddings, and therefore unacceptable). Undebatable items: emergency concealer, mascara, lip balm, portable powder — whatever you need to save face. Fashion tape and safety pins won’t hurt if things begin flying apart to the soundtrack of Bon Jovi. Take a lighter, squeeze in some gum, add a hip flask if the hosts are tight and, remember, love is (notoriously) in the air at these things. Pop in a condom, just in case. JOE BROMLEY

BE SURE TO BREAKFAST

Let’s face it: if you don’t have a slap-up breakfast, your stomach is going to be reciting its own vows during the ceremony. So round up the rabble and fill your boots at these brilliant, old fashioned caffs before you hop on the train, says Joanna Taylor

PADDINGTON

Raffles, 13 Craven Road, W2

VICTORIA

Victoria Cafe, 11 Terminus Place, SW1

KING’S CROSS

Blue River Cafe, 4 Northdown Street, N1

WATERLOO

Marie’s Cafe, 90 Lower Marsh, SE1

LIVERPOOL STREET

Franco’s Take Away, 67 Rivington Street, EC2

EUSTON

Double Six Café, 66 Eversholt Street, NW1

LONDON BRIDGE

Maria’s Market Cafe, 9 Stoney Street, SE1

BLACKFRIARS

Beppe’s Cafe, 23 West Smithfield, EC1

KNOW YOUR (TABLE) PLACE

Top table

Congratulations! You are officially one of the bridal party’s MVPs, trusted by the newlyweds to dazzle their most important guests with your sparkling wit and not get too pissed on the free plonk.

The co-workers table

‘One of the lads’ from the office who snuck an invite to the stag in Amsterdam, you know and have seen too much to be seated near actual friends and family. Come midnight, you’ll obviously be the first to start the conga lines.

The naughty table

Well done on nabbing one of the most fun seats in the house. You are fully expected to be the sexiest/loudest/most drunken people at the party, and last until the bitter end.

The corner of the marquee table

Wedged between a drunk usher and the bride’s 10-year-old cousin from Zanzibar, you are stuck in a social tundra. No one would blame you (or indeed notice) if you call it quits before pudding.

DIPAL ACHARYA

DON’T WORRY IF YOU’RE FLYING SOLO

First rule: try not to be too bitter about that painful single person wedding tax (those unsplit taxi fares and gifts, the bleak unshared B&Bs in the middle of nowhere with a sad single bed).

Second rule: now that you’ve haemorrhaged the cash to get there, embrace it. Hit the dance floor with a vengeance, but draw the line at joining the happy couple for the first dance. Singletons tend to be seated at unexpectedly jolly tables, so work that placement and talk to all those random drunken uncles and amusing waifs and strays. Abuse the free bar and learn the exquisite art of the no strings-attached Irish goodbye. And for all the smug marrieds, don’t assume we’re just there to shag the best man or bridesmaid but please, no judgement if we do.

NIAMH O’KEEFFE

WEAR SOMETHING SPECIAL

The hat

The shoe

The suit

GET YOURSELF CONNECTED

A woman in her early 30s, wearing a sparkling mini dress so scant not a single wedding guide would deem it appropriate as a top, is performing a When Harry Met Sally routine to a tuneless rendition of ‘Sex on Fire’. Having learned she’s the only uncoupled one here, she’s as elegant as a leopard stalking its prey (the wedding singer, fresh from a one-night stand at last Saturday’s booking), the edge of better judgement chamfered off by champagne and not enough canapés. The art of seduction in a booze-fuelled slim-pickings all-dayer is dictated by the gender balance of singles in either direction. It could be a more-is-more blood sport, or, conversely, the subtle art of luring the one broody bridesmaid into bed by playing the good guy (see: man teaching the kids to DJ during his much-maligned cocktail hour Spotify set). Theirs might just be the next wedding you get invited to.

EMILY PHILLIPS

SHUT DOWN UNWANTED TABLE TALK

Sat with the anti-woke brigade? No fear — here’s how to head off any touchy topics, says Jessica Benjamin

They say: Just to play devil’s advocate, don’t you think JK Rowling has a point?

You say: Ah yes, the devil’s advocate. Famously known for always being on the right side of history. Please go on.

They say: I don’t see why Will Smith should have to be banned from the Oscars at all. A little slap never did any harm!

You say: I agree! *slap*

They say: I don’t know about you, but I had parties like Boris all through lockdown and it didn’t hurt a fly.

You say: I, too, love having no consequences to my actions. Would you mind if I filmed you saying this and posted it online? I think it would go down a treat.

They say: The younger generation has no work ethic. I had two houses and a baby when I was your age.

You say: What year was that again? 1980? Before the financial crisis? That you and your generation caused? And have done nothing to help ever since?

BE NICE TO THE DJ

Five songs to never request at a wedding, by Jodie Harsh

Kanye West — ‘Gold Digger’

You’re truly marrying for love aren’t you — not for the house in the Cotswolds.

Soft Cell — ‘Tainted Love’

Eighties synth pop is always a win… but one about a toxic relationship?

Christina Aguilera — ‘Dirrty’

Best not bring out the inner hoe in front of the grandparents.

Dirty Dancing Soundtrack — ‘(I’ve Had) The Time of My Life’

A bit of cheese is good but there’s a limit — for me it’s film soundtrack music.

Anything above 128bpm

Let’s not give the in-laws a heart attack.

SEE OFF THE HANGOVER IN STYLE

Hair of the dog calling? Douglas Blyde’s favourite mixologists have the answer

The Red Eye by Jurg Mudveins at Laki Kane

From the Tom Cruise movie, Cocktail, this always works. Add a whole raw egg to half a glass of beer and top up with tomato juice and a few dashes of Tabasco. Do not stir. Tabasco brings kick, the tomato juice has vitamins, the egg has protein. Breakfast of champions! (lakikane.com)

The Coconut Mixer by Alejandro Pastor at Super Lyan

This one is infinitely customisable. Place your spirit of choice with high quality coconut water, and a pinch of salt, in a highball with ice. Drink and repeat. The uber hydrating, vitamin and mineral-packed coconut water is great for hangovers. (superlyan.com)

The Pickleback by Josh Powell at The Natural Philosopher

Rather than a complicated cocktail, this is a shot of whisky rapidly chased by another of pickle brine. It does wonders because you have booze, then brine which is full of electrolytes and bacterial cultures that are good for the gut. (naturalphilosopher.co.uk)